From Coast To Coast.

Certain things in this Universe are unbelievable until you experience them for yourself. Losing someone to death and finding out the true meaning of life are the two that come to mind. The one that comes to mind the most is true love. It's something that you simply can't be told what it feels like. Well you can be told what it feels like, but you simply won't understand what they mean until you get the experience for yourself.

I've always considered myself a romantic to an extent, or at least a guy that knows what to say and when to say it. I'm just a good opportunist. I say this to lead into my wonderful past few days.

Friday is where I'll begin, although the enjoyment began much sooner. Friday just a day for a big moment in my life, which I'll get to. The day began with summer school...yay! Afterwards the most amazing girl to ever grace the face of this pathetic planet with her presence, Robin, picked me up from school. We had been dating for a few days up until this point, but had spent at least 4+ days together when you add the hours together. Anyway we drove to pick up Andrew, and then onward to Chrissy's. I figured two of my closest friends should get to know the girl I'm in lo...Well I'll get to that in a moment. ;)

So we chilled at Chrissy's for a while. Just hanging out, ya know? We were waiting to go see Wall-E later on in the night and had time to kill. Our killing of time consisted of Guitar Hero, talking, and (my favorite) cuddling with Robin. Of course during all of this Chrissy decided to pull her camera out and start snapping pictures of me and Robin. Then she went for taking a video. Right then and there I had one thing running through my mind. Something I felt deep in my heart ever since I first laid my eyes upon Robin. I looked into the camera and said, "I love this girl." and I have never meant anything more truly in my life.

My opportunist personality seems to be thriving whenever I'm with Robin. It's as if my heart is telling my head, "Okay. You think up something to make this girl blush, and we'll go from there!" because whenever I'm around her I feel empowered to make her happy. Like when we first kissed, I went for it in front of a bunch of people while she was scared and about to get her septum pierced. I don't know, I guess I just have a way with words and my actions.

Anyway from there we saw Wall-E and the night was amazing. Saturday I spent my day with Robin and her wonderful family. I was helping them move, and I'm really happy I did. It's weird. I never have the initiative to do ANYTHING, but when it concerns Robin I just want to get to work. I want a job. I want to better myself so bad. I'm not sure if it's for her, or for myself though. Either way, I'm glad she's impacting me the way she is. Even if she's doing it unintentionally. So anyway I spent the day with her family, who I think like me. I really love that they do, since I want to spend as much time as possible with this girl. I want them to allow me to have Robin's heart. So I'm truly glad they like me. They apparently are even okay enough with allowing me to lay with her in her bed. Big accomplishment in trust...I think.

That was Saturday, but Sunday was a day I'd been waiting for for some time. It was the summer campout with Generic Emo-Scene Band, The Dropkick Murphys, and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones! The music was amazing, but the dancing was horrible. Although I spent most of my time holding my baby, which made the night all the more special. I chilled with Eddy, which was cool too. The day was really just another amazing day with my girlfriend.

Then today I spent the day with Robin yet again. Just helping with the move, ya know? We took a nap together and held each other all day. I'm learning more and more about this girl every day, and I'm falling deeper and deeper. It's so weird for me to be this open and falling so fast, but it's happening. I hold certain stories to myself and don't tell anyone everything, but with her I seem to be able to open up without a second thought. The first time we even met I was able to tell her some of my most personal things. I've stayed up over 30 hours in a row just so I wouldn't have to spend a moment not speaking to this girl! I'm truly head over heEls for her.

Throughout my personal life journey I've found one thing to be constant. That thing is the need for love. Every living species with the ability to think has the ability to love. Regardless of your religion, or your genus, you are going to be wanting love in some capacity. Once you find that love that you've been craving ever since your birth, you feel...uplifted. It's as if every insignificant thing you've done up until this point has mattered. It's all been a combination of mistakes and false hope, but the end result is a feeling greater than anything you could ever imagine.

I'm in love with someone, and I've never smiled so big.

It Seems As If The Coastline Is Fading.

It seems as if everyday I get better. Everyday I become slightly more happier, and everday I love life more. Yet all of that building up seems to be for nothing. Since one little moment can, and frequently does, change that. From being on a mountain top looking down upon my past, to sitting in a shallow valley and wondering how to get out. I simply can't ever bring myself up anymore. I can't.

I try to think about what's wrong with me, and I'm not quite sure. I mean I know a lot of what's wrong with me. I'm a horrible sleeper. I can't ever keep anything in my life stable. I have horrible eating habits, although that isn't necessarily my fault. I'm essentially a mess. I'm just not sure why I'm so low all of the time. I guess it's the fact that my future is nonexistant. The worst part is, I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being a realist. My future does not include college, even though I really want it to. My family can't afford it and I realize that. I try to block that out of my mind but it never works. As all of my friends are going off to college, and figuring out where they want to go, I sit here acting as if I have a shot. "Oh yeah, I'm thinking about going here." "Isn't this a lovely school?" It's all for nothing since I realize where I'm heading in life.

I'm heading for a very bleak future. I'll lose everyone I care about, which will be good since I don't want them to see my failures as they all succeed. I'll probably get into some sort of bad habits and eventually die. The same thing my parents are doing right now. They are just waiting to die. Doing the same things; day in and out. No goals. No changes. They just go to work, watch television, eat, and sleep. That depresses me beyond belief.

So yes, I'm depressed. I don't want to die or anything, I simply just realize this is it. This is my life and regardless of how hard I try I'll be stuck here. I guess when you've been told you're "nothing" by everyone your entire life it eventually sinks in. I just wish I was a stronger person. I wish I wasn't lied to at every moment by the people I love. I wish the people I care about didn't treat me like garbage. I wish I was just fucking appreciated by ANYONE on this God forsaken planet!

I don't quite understand why I have to be lied to. I've expressed my need for help several times, yet no one listens. Well actually they listen, it just doesn't sink in. No one ever tries to help. Oh yeah, I get the typical "Aw. It'll be okay!" but that's just a fucking transparent comment to make the person speaking to me feel better about themselves. I want help. I fucking need help. It would be so much easier to admit if when I did admit it I actually had some help. Of course that's not the case. When I open up I get stomped on.

I have my happy moments. I'm generally in a good mood. Yet when I'm not busy with someone, my true colors show. My depression shines. Everything becomes my worst fear. Well no, I can't even say that. I have no fears anymore. My bleak outlook on life has caused me to not fear anything anymore. I simply don't give a shit about my body anymore. I die doing something stupid? Fuck it. I don't care about being cautious anymore. Risks don't exist when there are no consequences.

I'm an incredibly open and depressed boy. I have an amazing time living life, but the fact that I realize that life is all there is, makes me sad. The fact that my life will never amount to anything past high school makes me even more depressed. I'm going to be just like every other stupid fuck in this country. I'm going to live a horrible life. Pay check to pay check, working a dead end job. That is my future and I'm dreading it beyond belief. The future never looks good when you realize you'll never have one.

I would never intentionally hurt myself. I just wouldn't care if something happened. At this point, death isn't a big concern of mine.

This...This Is A Title.

My Lord, I'm an unhappy person. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me everyday. I simply can't ever find anything to make me happy. I always look in the downside of everything and I can't see a brighter side to my life. It's really depressing. It's weird though, because I guess something does make me happy. Laughter. That's truly it. Jokes keep me sane.

The question of my sanity is a hard pressed issue. From my point of view it feels like I'm nearing a nervous breakdown. My body always aches. I'm never happy. I'm always stressed. I seem to get irritated by the littlest things. Of course I can't even open up to anyone; because I have no one. So I post these incredibly useless blogs in the hope that maybe spewing my thoughts out into these pixels that I'll become less stressed. It works. It's very theraputic. This worries me.

In the past year my problems have become more evident. Before last summer I truly didn't see anything wrong with me. Well, nothing more than anyone else. Over the course of the past 12 months though...I've become so completely mentally ill that it's hard to even function anymore. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm constantly stressed. The stress..ugh..the stress isn't even always warranted. Sometimes it is, but sometimes I get so worked up over the littlest things, and it is taking a toll on my health. Even now I have a sharp pain in my chest that hurts when I move.

FUCK! It's so incredibly hard to even process any thoughts. I have no job (hopefully that will change this week). I will never get accepted into a decent college because I'm a fuck up. I can't have a stable relationship with anyone because I severe any tie that feels right. I'm probably going to be out on the streets when I'm 18 due to my cock-hole of a father. I simply can't take the stress anymore. I need something to ease the tension. I'm not stupid enough to hurt myself or do drugs, but sometimes I wish I didn't care. I wish that I could simply say, "Fuck it!" and let myself be self destructive. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just not care about myself.

The sad fucking part is, I do. For how much I hate the predicament I'm in, I love my life. As much as I hate the people in my life, I love a choice few. I simply see no point in life at all, since my bleak view of existence doesn't include a purpose. Yet, I can't seem to want to give up. I love life and hate it at the very same time. Hopefully I can bring myself back to a period where I was happy. A period where I didn't hurt everyone and destroy my relationships. A period where people genuinely liked me, and didn't simply laugh at my jokes and warrant a friendship from that.

I'm praying the day comes that I can find normalacy. I don't know if my body can take this pain anymore. My soul can only carry me so far.

It's Time For The XXeXpress.

Generally most people would find the idea of alienating everyone in their lives a troublesome thought. For some reason though, I don't seem to mind at all. As I progress from day to day (or regress, depending on where you stand) it seems that I find more and more ways to alienate those that care about me. It's not necessarily intetional, but it happens regardless. Why does this seem to be commonplace in my life?

Hm. Well I guess if you want to get psychological (which I do) it would seem that over the years I've never really had anyone. That feeling of being alone, and not having someone to depend on really got to me. So now I sit here, 17 years into this meaningless life, and I tend to push people away. I'd say that it's safe to say that my lack of love in my earlier years pushed me towards a state of self loathing that has caused me to push people away. I have a few theories as to why I push people away. Perhaps it's simply the fact that I feel that I don't need anyone else, since I never had anyone in my earlier years on this rock. Or maybe it's something slightly deeper.

Maybe I simply don't want to get hurt again, so I push anyone away before I even have a chance to get stabbed in the back. Everyone that I've ever given a chance has simply lied, cheated, and hurt me in one way or another. It could be little things added up, or something big. Either way, it's always equaled something. Of course I'm not refering to everyone, since nowadays I don't let anyone in to give them the chance to hurt me. Does it do more harm than good? Perhaps. Is it something I do purposely? No, of course not. It's just a psychological dependence that I've built up over the course of my life.

I won't get into the specifics of how I got this way, at least not at this very moment. I will however mention that this year seems to be truly big in the realization that I push people away. I could venture to say that it all began back around 8th grade or so. After someone that I honestly had great feelings for was no longer in my life, I kind of shut myself down. I know I was young, I'm still young. It's just that I told myself to not open up that great anymore, and just have fun. So I did that. I had fun and more fun. Until last year. Something happened. Something stupid. I decided to open up and it lead to so much. It lead to failure after failure. It's this, among many other things in my life, that has lead me to be so isolized. I don't want to be this alone but I really can't help myself. Whenever I get attached I get paranoid and I cause things to implode. In friendships and in love. It's happened too many times to count in the past year and it's truly gotten old.

But oh well, no sense in getting all caught up over it. Sure I'm going to get caught up over it all, but there is not point in it. It's all the past and if I ever want to fix my flaws I need to realize them now and hope to change them before it's too late. Perhaps it is too late. It's going to take time and patience to find out.

Welcome To Absurdity.

Well this is my first post on blogger/blogspot/etc. and it's probably going to be nothing special. Then again, when do I say anything of great significance. Anyway I have a pounding head ache at the moment so that's why I'm going to keep this fairly short for the time being. I'll post things with more substance in the future.

For starters I'm pretty much just your average kid from Jersey. I'm 17 and have no direction in my life, and that scares the hell out of me. Family problems seem to always be at the forefront of my life, as well as problems with people I consider friends. Of course this is what most teens go through, so I'm not acting like I'm anything special. I just like posting my musings and letting it all hang out, since I really don't have any outlet in my life. That's my fault though, I tend to alienate those that I care about the most. You know who you are, and you know what happened. Do I do it purposely? Possibly, but it's not intentional.

Anyway I'm going to go make something to eat and try to soften the pounding that's in my temporal lobe at the moment. So I'll say thanks for reading, and I hope in the future I'll actually have something to say rather than nothing.