It's Time For The XXeXpress.

Generally most people would find the idea of alienating everyone in their lives a troublesome thought. For some reason though, I don't seem to mind at all. As I progress from day to day (or regress, depending on where you stand) it seems that I find more and more ways to alienate those that care about me. It's not necessarily intetional, but it happens regardless. Why does this seem to be commonplace in my life?

Hm. Well I guess if you want to get psychological (which I do) it would seem that over the years I've never really had anyone. That feeling of being alone, and not having someone to depend on really got to me. So now I sit here, 17 years into this meaningless life, and I tend to push people away. I'd say that it's safe to say that my lack of love in my earlier years pushed me towards a state of self loathing that has caused me to push people away. I have a few theories as to why I push people away. Perhaps it's simply the fact that I feel that I don't need anyone else, since I never had anyone in my earlier years on this rock. Or maybe it's something slightly deeper.

Maybe I simply don't want to get hurt again, so I push anyone away before I even have a chance to get stabbed in the back. Everyone that I've ever given a chance has simply lied, cheated, and hurt me in one way or another. It could be little things added up, or something big. Either way, it's always equaled something. Of course I'm not refering to everyone, since nowadays I don't let anyone in to give them the chance to hurt me. Does it do more harm than good? Perhaps. Is it something I do purposely? No, of course not. It's just a psychological dependence that I've built up over the course of my life.

I won't get into the specifics of how I got this way, at least not at this very moment. I will however mention that this year seems to be truly big in the realization that I push people away. I could venture to say that it all began back around 8th grade or so. After someone that I honestly had great feelings for was no longer in my life, I kind of shut myself down. I know I was young, I'm still young. It's just that I told myself to not open up that great anymore, and just have fun. So I did that. I had fun and more fun. Until last year. Something happened. Something stupid. I decided to open up and it lead to so much. It lead to failure after failure. It's this, among many other things in my life, that has lead me to be so isolized. I don't want to be this alone but I really can't help myself. Whenever I get attached I get paranoid and I cause things to implode. In friendships and in love. It's happened too many times to count in the past year and it's truly gotten old.

But oh well, no sense in getting all caught up over it. Sure I'm going to get caught up over it all, but there is not point in it. It's all the past and if I ever want to fix my flaws I need to realize them now and hope to change them before it's too late. Perhaps it is too late. It's going to take time and patience to find out.