From Coast To Coast.

Certain things in this Universe are unbelievable until you experience them for yourself. Losing someone to death and finding out the true meaning of life are the two that come to mind. The one that comes to mind the most is true love. It's something that you simply can't be told what it feels like. Well you can be told what it feels like, but you simply won't understand what they mean until you get the experience for yourself.

I've always considered myself a romantic to an extent, or at least a guy that knows what to say and when to say it. I'm just a good opportunist. I say this to lead into my wonderful past few days.

Friday is where I'll begin, although the enjoyment began much sooner. Friday just a day for a big moment in my life, which I'll get to. The day began with summer school...yay! Afterwards the most amazing girl to ever grace the face of this pathetic planet with her presence, Robin, picked me up from school. We had been dating for a few days up until this point, but had spent at least 4+ days together when you add the hours together. Anyway we drove to pick up Andrew, and then onward to Chrissy's. I figured two of my closest friends should get to know the girl I'm in lo...Well I'll get to that in a moment. ;)

So we chilled at Chrissy's for a while. Just hanging out, ya know? We were waiting to go see Wall-E later on in the night and had time to kill. Our killing of time consisted of Guitar Hero, talking, and (my favorite) cuddling with Robin. Of course during all of this Chrissy decided to pull her camera out and start snapping pictures of me and Robin. Then she went for taking a video. Right then and there I had one thing running through my mind. Something I felt deep in my heart ever since I first laid my eyes upon Robin. I looked into the camera and said, "I love this girl." and I have never meant anything more truly in my life.

My opportunist personality seems to be thriving whenever I'm with Robin. It's as if my heart is telling my head, "Okay. You think up something to make this girl blush, and we'll go from there!" because whenever I'm around her I feel empowered to make her happy. Like when we first kissed, I went for it in front of a bunch of people while she was scared and about to get her septum pierced. I don't know, I guess I just have a way with words and my actions.

Anyway from there we saw Wall-E and the night was amazing. Saturday I spent my day with Robin and her wonderful family. I was helping them move, and I'm really happy I did. It's weird. I never have the initiative to do ANYTHING, but when it concerns Robin I just want to get to work. I want a job. I want to better myself so bad. I'm not sure if it's for her, or for myself though. Either way, I'm glad she's impacting me the way she is. Even if she's doing it unintentionally. So anyway I spent the day with her family, who I think like me. I really love that they do, since I want to spend as much time as possible with this girl. I want them to allow me to have Robin's heart. So I'm truly glad they like me. They apparently are even okay enough with allowing me to lay with her in her bed. Big accomplishment in trust...I think.

That was Saturday, but Sunday was a day I'd been waiting for for some time. It was the summer campout with Generic Emo-Scene Band, The Dropkick Murphys, and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones! The music was amazing, but the dancing was horrible. Although I spent most of my time holding my baby, which made the night all the more special. I chilled with Eddy, which was cool too. The day was really just another amazing day with my girlfriend.

Then today I spent the day with Robin yet again. Just helping with the move, ya know? We took a nap together and held each other all day. I'm learning more and more about this girl every day, and I'm falling deeper and deeper. It's so weird for me to be this open and falling so fast, but it's happening. I hold certain stories to myself and don't tell anyone everything, but with her I seem to be able to open up without a second thought. The first time we even met I was able to tell her some of my most personal things. I've stayed up over 30 hours in a row just so I wouldn't have to spend a moment not speaking to this girl! I'm truly head over heEls for her.

Throughout my personal life journey I've found one thing to be constant. That thing is the need for love. Every living species with the ability to think has the ability to love. Regardless of your religion, or your genus, you are going to be wanting love in some capacity. Once you find that love that you've been craving ever since your birth, you feel...uplifted. It's as if every insignificant thing you've done up until this point has mattered. It's all been a combination of mistakes and false hope, but the end result is a feeling greater than anything you could ever imagine.

I'm in love with someone, and I've never smiled so big.

It Seems As If The Coastline Is Fading.

It seems as if everyday I get better. Everyday I become slightly more happier, and everday I love life more. Yet all of that building up seems to be for nothing. Since one little moment can, and frequently does, change that. From being on a mountain top looking down upon my past, to sitting in a shallow valley and wondering how to get out. I simply can't ever bring myself up anymore. I can't.

I try to think about what's wrong with me, and I'm not quite sure. I mean I know a lot of what's wrong with me. I'm a horrible sleeper. I can't ever keep anything in my life stable. I have horrible eating habits, although that isn't necessarily my fault. I'm essentially a mess. I'm just not sure why I'm so low all of the time. I guess it's the fact that my future is nonexistant. The worst part is, I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being a realist. My future does not include college, even though I really want it to. My family can't afford it and I realize that. I try to block that out of my mind but it never works. As all of my friends are going off to college, and figuring out where they want to go, I sit here acting as if I have a shot. "Oh yeah, I'm thinking about going here." "Isn't this a lovely school?" It's all for nothing since I realize where I'm heading in life.

I'm heading for a very bleak future. I'll lose everyone I care about, which will be good since I don't want them to see my failures as they all succeed. I'll probably get into some sort of bad habits and eventually die. The same thing my parents are doing right now. They are just waiting to die. Doing the same things; day in and out. No goals. No changes. They just go to work, watch television, eat, and sleep. That depresses me beyond belief.

So yes, I'm depressed. I don't want to die or anything, I simply just realize this is it. This is my life and regardless of how hard I try I'll be stuck here. I guess when you've been told you're "nothing" by everyone your entire life it eventually sinks in. I just wish I was a stronger person. I wish I wasn't lied to at every moment by the people I love. I wish the people I care about didn't treat me like garbage. I wish I was just fucking appreciated by ANYONE on this God forsaken planet!

I don't quite understand why I have to be lied to. I've expressed my need for help several times, yet no one listens. Well actually they listen, it just doesn't sink in. No one ever tries to help. Oh yeah, I get the typical "Aw. It'll be okay!" but that's just a fucking transparent comment to make the person speaking to me feel better about themselves. I want help. I fucking need help. It would be so much easier to admit if when I did admit it I actually had some help. Of course that's not the case. When I open up I get stomped on.

I have my happy moments. I'm generally in a good mood. Yet when I'm not busy with someone, my true colors show. My depression shines. Everything becomes my worst fear. Well no, I can't even say that. I have no fears anymore. My bleak outlook on life has caused me to not fear anything anymore. I simply don't give a shit about my body anymore. I die doing something stupid? Fuck it. I don't care about being cautious anymore. Risks don't exist when there are no consequences.

I'm an incredibly open and depressed boy. I have an amazing time living life, but the fact that I realize that life is all there is, makes me sad. The fact that my life will never amount to anything past high school makes me even more depressed. I'm going to be just like every other stupid fuck in this country. I'm going to live a horrible life. Pay check to pay check, working a dead end job. That is my future and I'm dreading it beyond belief. The future never looks good when you realize you'll never have one.

I would never intentionally hurt myself. I just wouldn't care if something happened. At this point, death isn't a big concern of mine.