It Seems As If The Coastline Is Fading.

It seems as if everyday I get better. Everyday I become slightly more happier, and everday I love life more. Yet all of that building up seems to be for nothing. Since one little moment can, and frequently does, change that. From being on a mountain top looking down upon my past, to sitting in a shallow valley and wondering how to get out. I simply can't ever bring myself up anymore. I can't.

I try to think about what's wrong with me, and I'm not quite sure. I mean I know a lot of what's wrong with me. I'm a horrible sleeper. I can't ever keep anything in my life stable. I have horrible eating habits, although that isn't necessarily my fault. I'm essentially a mess. I'm just not sure why I'm so low all of the time. I guess it's the fact that my future is nonexistant. The worst part is, I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being a realist. My future does not include college, even though I really want it to. My family can't afford it and I realize that. I try to block that out of my mind but it never works. As all of my friends are going off to college, and figuring out where they want to go, I sit here acting as if I have a shot. "Oh yeah, I'm thinking about going here." "Isn't this a lovely school?" It's all for nothing since I realize where I'm heading in life.

I'm heading for a very bleak future. I'll lose everyone I care about, which will be good since I don't want them to see my failures as they all succeed. I'll probably get into some sort of bad habits and eventually die. The same thing my parents are doing right now. They are just waiting to die. Doing the same things; day in and out. No goals. No changes. They just go to work, watch television, eat, and sleep. That depresses me beyond belief.

So yes, I'm depressed. I don't want to die or anything, I simply just realize this is it. This is my life and regardless of how hard I try I'll be stuck here. I guess when you've been told you're "nothing" by everyone your entire life it eventually sinks in. I just wish I was a stronger person. I wish I wasn't lied to at every moment by the people I love. I wish the people I care about didn't treat me like garbage. I wish I was just fucking appreciated by ANYONE on this God forsaken planet!

I don't quite understand why I have to be lied to. I've expressed my need for help several times, yet no one listens. Well actually they listen, it just doesn't sink in. No one ever tries to help. Oh yeah, I get the typical "Aw. It'll be okay!" but that's just a fucking transparent comment to make the person speaking to me feel better about themselves. I want help. I fucking need help. It would be so much easier to admit if when I did admit it I actually had some help. Of course that's not the case. When I open up I get stomped on.

I have my happy moments. I'm generally in a good mood. Yet when I'm not busy with someone, my true colors show. My depression shines. Everything becomes my worst fear. Well no, I can't even say that. I have no fears anymore. My bleak outlook on life has caused me to not fear anything anymore. I simply don't give a shit about my body anymore. I die doing something stupid? Fuck it. I don't care about being cautious anymore. Risks don't exist when there are no consequences.

I'm an incredibly open and depressed boy. I have an amazing time living life, but the fact that I realize that life is all there is, makes me sad. The fact that my life will never amount to anything past high school makes me even more depressed. I'm going to be just like every other stupid fuck in this country. I'm going to live a horrible life. Pay check to pay check, working a dead end job. That is my future and I'm dreading it beyond belief. The future never looks good when you realize you'll never have one.

I would never intentionally hurt myself. I just wouldn't care if something happened. At this point, death isn't a big concern of mine.