My Lord, I'm an unhappy person. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me everyday. I simply can't ever find anything to make me happy. I always look in the downside of everything and I can't see a brighter side to my life. It's really depressing. It's weird though, because I guess something does make me happy. Laughter. That's truly it. Jokes keep me sane.
The question of my sanity is a hard pressed issue. From my point of view it feels like I'm nearing a nervous breakdown. My body always aches. I'm never happy. I'm always stressed. I seem to get irritated by the littlest things. Of course I can't even open up to anyone; because I have no one. So I post these incredibly useless blogs in the hope that maybe spewing my thoughts out into these pixels that I'll become less stressed. It works. It's very theraputic. This worries me.
In the past year my problems have become more evident. Before last summer I truly didn't see anything wrong with me. Well, nothing more than anyone else. Over the course of the past 12 months though...I've become so completely mentally ill that it's hard to even function anymore. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm constantly stressed. The stress..ugh..the stress isn't even always warranted. Sometimes it is, but sometimes I get so worked up over the littlest things, and it is taking a toll on my health. Even now I have a sharp pain in my chest that hurts when I move.
FUCK! It's so incredibly hard to even process any thoughts. I have no job (hopefully that will change this week). I will never get accepted into a decent college because I'm a fuck up. I can't have a stable relationship with anyone because I severe any tie that feels right. I'm probably going to be out on the streets when I'm 18 due to my cock-hole of a father. I simply can't take the stress anymore. I need something to ease the tension. I'm not stupid enough to hurt myself or do drugs, but sometimes I wish I didn't care. I wish that I could simply say, "Fuck it!" and let myself be self destructive. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just not care about myself.
The sad fucking part is, I do. For how much I hate the predicament I'm in, I love my life. As much as I hate the people in my life, I love a choice few. I simply see no point in life at all, since my bleak view of existence doesn't include a purpose. Yet, I can't seem to want to give up. I love life and hate it at the very same time. Hopefully I can bring myself back to a period where I was happy. A period where I didn't hurt everyone and destroy my relationships. A period where people genuinely liked me, and didn't simply laugh at my jokes and warrant a friendship from that.
I'm praying the day comes that I can find normalacy. I don't know if my body can take this pain anymore. My soul can only carry me so far.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
It's Time For The XXeXpress.
Generally most people would find the idea of alienating everyone in their lives a troublesome thought. For some reason though, I don't seem to mind at all. As I progress from day to day (or regress, depending on where you stand) it seems that I find more and more ways to alienate those that care about me. It's not necessarily intetional, but it happens regardless. Why does this seem to be commonplace in my life?
Hm. Well I guess if you want to get psychological (which I do) it would seem that over the years I've never really had anyone. That feeling of being alone, and not having someone to depend on really got to me. So now I sit here, 17 years into this meaningless life, and I tend to push people away. I'd say that it's safe to say that my lack of love in my earlier years pushed me towards a state of self loathing that has caused me to push people away. I have a few theories as to why I push people away. Perhaps it's simply the fact that I feel that I don't need anyone else, since I never had anyone in my earlier years on this rock. Or maybe it's something slightly deeper.
Maybe I simply don't want to get hurt again, so I push anyone away before I even have a chance to get stabbed in the back. Everyone that I've ever given a chance has simply lied, cheated, and hurt me in one way or another. It could be little things added up, or something big. Either way, it's always equaled something. Of course I'm not refering to everyone, since nowadays I don't let anyone in to give them the chance to hurt me. Does it do more harm than good? Perhaps. Is it something I do purposely? No, of course not. It's just a psychological dependence that I've built up over the course of my life.
I won't get into the specifics of how I got this way, at least not at this very moment. I will however mention that this year seems to be truly big in the realization that I push people away. I could venture to say that it all began back around 8th grade or so. After someone that I honestly had great feelings for was no longer in my life, I kind of shut myself down. I know I was young, I'm still young. It's just that I told myself to not open up that great anymore, and just have fun. So I did that. I had fun and more fun. Until last year. Something happened. Something stupid. I decided to open up and it lead to so much. It lead to failure after failure. It's this, among many other things in my life, that has lead me to be so isolized. I don't want to be this alone but I really can't help myself. Whenever I get attached I get paranoid and I cause things to implode. In friendships and in love. It's happened too many times to count in the past year and it's truly gotten old.
But oh well, no sense in getting all caught up over it. Sure I'm going to get caught up over it all, but there is not point in it. It's all the past and if I ever want to fix my flaws I need to realize them now and hope to change them before it's too late. Perhaps it is too late. It's going to take time and patience to find out.
Hm. Well I guess if you want to get psychological (which I do) it would seem that over the years I've never really had anyone. That feeling of being alone, and not having someone to depend on really got to me. So now I sit here, 17 years into this meaningless life, and I tend to push people away. I'd say that it's safe to say that my lack of love in my earlier years pushed me towards a state of self loathing that has caused me to push people away. I have a few theories as to why I push people away. Perhaps it's simply the fact that I feel that I don't need anyone else, since I never had anyone in my earlier years on this rock. Or maybe it's something slightly deeper.
Maybe I simply don't want to get hurt again, so I push anyone away before I even have a chance to get stabbed in the back. Everyone that I've ever given a chance has simply lied, cheated, and hurt me in one way or another. It could be little things added up, or something big. Either way, it's always equaled something. Of course I'm not refering to everyone, since nowadays I don't let anyone in to give them the chance to hurt me. Does it do more harm than good? Perhaps. Is it something I do purposely? No, of course not. It's just a psychological dependence that I've built up over the course of my life.
I won't get into the specifics of how I got this way, at least not at this very moment. I will however mention that this year seems to be truly big in the realization that I push people away. I could venture to say that it all began back around 8th grade or so. After someone that I honestly had great feelings for was no longer in my life, I kind of shut myself down. I know I was young, I'm still young. It's just that I told myself to not open up that great anymore, and just have fun. So I did that. I had fun and more fun. Until last year. Something happened. Something stupid. I decided to open up and it lead to so much. It lead to failure after failure. It's this, among many other things in my life, that has lead me to be so isolized. I don't want to be this alone but I really can't help myself. Whenever I get attached I get paranoid and I cause things to implode. In friendships and in love. It's happened too many times to count in the past year and it's truly gotten old.
But oh well, no sense in getting all caught up over it. Sure I'm going to get caught up over it all, but there is not point in it. It's all the past and if I ever want to fix my flaws I need to realize them now and hope to change them before it's too late. Perhaps it is too late. It's going to take time and patience to find out.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Welcome To Absurdity.
Well this is my first post on blogger/blogspot/etc. and it's probably going to be nothing special. Then again, when do I say anything of great significance. Anyway I have a pounding head ache at the moment so that's why I'm going to keep this fairly short for the time being. I'll post things with more substance in the future.
For starters I'm pretty much just your average kid from Jersey. I'm 17 and have no direction in my life, and that scares the hell out of me. Family problems seem to always be at the forefront of my life, as well as problems with people I consider friends. Of course this is what most teens go through, so I'm not acting like I'm anything special. I just like posting my musings and letting it all hang out, since I really don't have any outlet in my life. That's my fault though, I tend to alienate those that I care about the most. You know who you are, and you know what happened. Do I do it purposely? Possibly, but it's not intentional.
Anyway I'm going to go make something to eat and try to soften the pounding that's in my temporal lobe at the moment. So I'll say thanks for reading, and I hope in the future I'll actually have something to say rather than nothing.
For starters I'm pretty much just your average kid from Jersey. I'm 17 and have no direction in my life, and that scares the hell out of me. Family problems seem to always be at the forefront of my life, as well as problems with people I consider friends. Of course this is what most teens go through, so I'm not acting like I'm anything special. I just like posting my musings and letting it all hang out, since I really don't have any outlet in my life. That's my fault though, I tend to alienate those that I care about the most. You know who you are, and you know what happened. Do I do it purposely? Possibly, but it's not intentional.
Anyway I'm going to go make something to eat and try to soften the pounding that's in my temporal lobe at the moment. So I'll say thanks for reading, and I hope in the future I'll actually have something to say rather than nothing.
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